They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
