ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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