i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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