he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
