I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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