is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
