90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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