Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
