there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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