we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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