I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
