I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
