P.S. I can't hear my feet
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
