i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
