So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
