don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
