When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
