rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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