I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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