so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
