k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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