The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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