Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
