I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
