I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
