dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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