Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
