I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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