Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Are my feet made of real feet?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
