I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
