I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
