if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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