fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Alive.
So much puke
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
