I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize