And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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