Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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