so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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