My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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