Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
