Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
