Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
