I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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