At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
