Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize