The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i think my cat just said my name.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
