ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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