i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
