Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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