can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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