He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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