he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
