Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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