Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
