Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
