Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
