Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
