If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
honey bunches of taint.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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