i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
